Where Did I Come From? [memoir vignette]
‘Come on, we’re going to watch a video.’ Mum stands in my bedroom doorway, staring at me with an expectant gaze.
I look up from the picture of Inspector Gadget I’m tracing and frown. The only thing Mum watches is the news and Home and Away. ‘But I’m drawing.’
‘C’mon, Andrew. It’s important.’ She conceals a video tape beneath her armpit.
Sighing, I push the yellow chair back from my olive-green desk, stand, and follow Mum down the hall into the TV room. I collapse into the brown bean bag next to my sister, Melissa.
Dad stands beside the TV. Mum passes him the tape. He scans the cover, smirks, then removes the cassette and inserts it into the VCR. He places the case on the shelf above the TV. The cover shows a crude drawing of a baby. Above, the title reads Where Did I Come From?
I glance over at Mum sitting behind us in her cane lounge chair. Is this going to be like church?
The familiar wall of text fills the screen, warning us not to pirate the video. What do pirates have to do with videos? Soothing music wafts from the TV’s speaker as a confused baby appears in a spotlight.
‘This film is all about you,’ a man with an English accent announces.
I lean forward, intrigued.
The announcer makes a few dumb jokes about being embarrassed and I roll my eyes. He speaks about storks and fairies delivering babies and then about babies arriving in hats, supermarkets, and burgers. I shake my head. This is silly. ‘That’s not where babies come from. They come from Mum’s tummy.’
‘Shh,’ says Mum. ‘Keep watching.’
I glare at Mum. Does she think I’m that stupid? I turn back to the TV, my gaze falling on Melissa, who stares intently at the screen. I gasp in realisation. The video’s probably for her. Mum hasn’t had a baby since she was born. I turn back to the TV, playing along.
The cartoon depicts a man and a woman in a bathtub covered by bubbles. ‘Men and women have very different bodies,’ says the announcer. The foam drifts away revealing their chests. ‘The man has a flat chest, but the woman has two round bumps.’
I gape at the breasts. A funny feeling grows in my willy.
Dad sniggers. Mum groans.
The bubbles dissipate, revealing the man’s and woman’s genitals. ‘Between the man’s legs is something called the penis,’ says the announcer as the camera zooms in on the sausage-looking appendage. ‘And between the woman’s legs is an opening called the vagina.’
My eyes widen in horror. Is this one of Dad’s dirty movies?
The scene shifts to the man and woman lying in bed together. ‘When a man and a woman love each other, they kiss and hug each other,’ says the announcer. ‘After a while, the man’s penis becomes stiff and hard and much bigger than it usually is. That’s because it has a lot of work to do.’
Dad chuckles.
‘Bruce.’ Mum’s voice is stern.
‘By this time, all the hugging and kissing have made the man and woman very loving towards each other,’ says the announcer. On screen, two brown cats patterning the doona hug and kiss each other. ‘They want to be as close as they can be. And that’s when the man puts his penis inside the woman’s vagina.’
I gasp, horrified.
Dad bursts into laughter. Mum glares at him. Dad tries to stifle his laughter, but his face keeps growing redder. I frown. How’s this funny?
Mum shakes her head, then stares at me. ‘Keep watching, Andrew.’
I turn back to the TV and watch as a sea of white liquid washes across the screen. Tadpoles appear inside and swim across a pool where an egg wearing a skirt waits. When one reaches it, the sperm and egg splash into each other and a baby appears in the mother’s womb. The baby grows inside it, the announcer taking us through each step until the baby emerges from between her legs. Happy music plays.
When the credits roll, Dad ejects the tape and places it inside the case, face still red.
Mum brings Melissa and I together. ‘Alright, do you have any questions?’
I jerk backwards, mouth agape. Why would I want to ask about that?
Reference
Walsh, S. (Producer). (1985). Where did I come from? United States: LCA.
I look up from the picture of Inspector Gadget I’m tracing and frown. The only thing Mum watches is the news and Home and Away. ‘But I’m drawing.’
‘C’mon, Andrew. It’s important.’ She conceals a video tape beneath her armpit.
Sighing, I push the yellow chair back from my olive-green desk, stand, and follow Mum down the hall into the TV room. I collapse into the brown bean bag next to my sister, Melissa.
Dad stands beside the TV. Mum passes him the tape. He scans the cover, smirks, then removes the cassette and inserts it into the VCR. He places the case on the shelf above the TV. The cover shows a crude drawing of a baby. Above, the title reads Where Did I Come From?
I glance over at Mum sitting behind us in her cane lounge chair. Is this going to be like church?
The familiar wall of text fills the screen, warning us not to pirate the video. What do pirates have to do with videos? Soothing music wafts from the TV’s speaker as a confused baby appears in a spotlight.
‘This film is all about you,’ a man with an English accent announces.
I lean forward, intrigued.
The announcer makes a few dumb jokes about being embarrassed and I roll my eyes. He speaks about storks and fairies delivering babies and then about babies arriving in hats, supermarkets, and burgers. I shake my head. This is silly. ‘That’s not where babies come from. They come from Mum’s tummy.’
‘Shh,’ says Mum. ‘Keep watching.’
I glare at Mum. Does she think I’m that stupid? I turn back to the TV, my gaze falling on Melissa, who stares intently at the screen. I gasp in realisation. The video’s probably for her. Mum hasn’t had a baby since she was born. I turn back to the TV, playing along.
The cartoon depicts a man and a woman in a bathtub covered by bubbles. ‘Men and women have very different bodies,’ says the announcer. The foam drifts away revealing their chests. ‘The man has a flat chest, but the woman has two round bumps.’
I gape at the breasts. A funny feeling grows in my willy.
Dad sniggers. Mum groans.
The bubbles dissipate, revealing the man’s and woman’s genitals. ‘Between the man’s legs is something called the penis,’ says the announcer as the camera zooms in on the sausage-looking appendage. ‘And between the woman’s legs is an opening called the vagina.’
My eyes widen in horror. Is this one of Dad’s dirty movies?
The scene shifts to the man and woman lying in bed together. ‘When a man and a woman love each other, they kiss and hug each other,’ says the announcer. ‘After a while, the man’s penis becomes stiff and hard and much bigger than it usually is. That’s because it has a lot of work to do.’
Dad chuckles.
‘Bruce.’ Mum’s voice is stern.
‘By this time, all the hugging and kissing have made the man and woman very loving towards each other,’ says the announcer. On screen, two brown cats patterning the doona hug and kiss each other. ‘They want to be as close as they can be. And that’s when the man puts his penis inside the woman’s vagina.’
I gasp, horrified.
Dad bursts into laughter. Mum glares at him. Dad tries to stifle his laughter, but his face keeps growing redder. I frown. How’s this funny?
Mum shakes her head, then stares at me. ‘Keep watching, Andrew.’
I turn back to the TV and watch as a sea of white liquid washes across the screen. Tadpoles appear inside and swim across a pool where an egg wearing a skirt waits. When one reaches it, the sperm and egg splash into each other and a baby appears in the mother’s womb. The baby grows inside it, the announcer taking us through each step until the baby emerges from between her legs. Happy music plays.
When the credits roll, Dad ejects the tape and places it inside the case, face still red.
Mum brings Melissa and I together. ‘Alright, do you have any questions?’
I jerk backwards, mouth agape. Why would I want to ask about that?
Reference
Walsh, S. (Producer). (1985). Where did I come from? United States: LCA.
